Were you aware that today is World Emoji Day? Did you even know it was a thing? Well, you do now! Everything has a day these days, including stuff like “teacher appreciation” and “arbors,” whatever either of those are. So, when I was asked to write about Emoji Day and the new previewed emoji, all I could say was >:’-1=.
In a clever little ploy to perpetuate Oxford’s 2015 Word of the Year, Apple announced today that it will be adding new emoji to its repertoire via this fall’s iOS 11 update. Among those previewed were a breastfeeding woman, a T-Rex, mystical creatures like zombies and Aaron Carter (you know, he beat Shaq), and most impressively, a bearded white man. Take that, snowflakes!
How might we use some of these mysterious new emoji? Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
This is useful when you see a Wisconsin Badger, whether the adorable, rabies-addled killing machine or one of the young persons who throws balls far. This one is also applicable if you see Dean Strang or that guy from The Bachelorette.
Every Madisonian of legal drinking age should get plenty of mileage out of this one, particularly on those Sunday morning-afters when the bloodies ain’t helping and the stomach (much like the room your limp body collapsed in) won’t stop churning.
Do you really want to ask that cute coworker out to dinner but don’t exactly know how to word it in such a way that you’d be successful? Well, Apple’s got you covered. Send this sandwich emoji to see if you can sweep the person off their feet with the plainest entree imaginable. Enjoy it on the Terrace overlooking the lake, which provides a quick and refreshing escape when conversation inevitably fails you, person who asks people out with emoji.
White Man with Beard
Looks like either untouched Wil Wheaton, or, Shia LaBeouf after a trip to the day spa. Either way, do you really want to get involved? Also applicable when describing about three-quarters of all men in Madison.
Cracked Half of Coconut
Hot off the success of Cast Away, be sure to send this to all your friends to indicate that, yes, you are indeed trapped on an uncharted island somewhere in the tropics. Hopefully they’ll understand why you missed the open mic at Tip Top.
Wow, wasn’t that something? Emoji are a big deal! Even the Empire State Building is “emoji yellow” today, and bigwigs got Sir Patrick Stewart to play a literal piece of shit in the soul-crushing Emoji Movie slated for release on July 28. Emoji is serious business. Make sure to send out lots of (lips) and (hearts) < 3 and ; ) ;0 ;>’s tonight to the people you love but to whom you cannot otherwise accurately communicate that love.