The Michigan Wolverines roll into town this weekend, and so does the circus that is ESPN’s College GameDay. The Worldwide Leader’s traveling football pregame show has brought some memorable wackiness to Madison over years, from the always-welcome sight of Lee Corso shoving his leathery face into a Bucky Badger head to some really out-there choices of celebrity game pickers (Jerry “Turtle from Entourage” Ferrara in 2011 and professional wrestling legend Ric Flair last year).
Often the celebrity picker each week will have some sort of connection to the location. For example, Ric Flair went to boarding school in Beaver Dam, which doesn’t really make him an obvious choice but who’s going to say no to The Nature Boy? Turtle, on the other hand, is a bit of a head-scratcher; the Brooklyn-bred Ferrara is so New York that his Timberlands wear Timberlands.
Lacking any insider knowledge whatsoever, we can’t tell you who Saturday morning’s celebrity guest will be. We can, however, speculate wildly.
Ron Dayne
While Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson is arguably now the most well-known ex-Badgers footballer, Ron Dayne is quite possibly the best. He is UW’s most recent Heisman Trophy winner, claiming the award in 1999 after setting the NCAA record for most career rushing yards (which was supposedly broken by San Diego State’s Donnel Pumphrey in 2016). Dayne still lives in the area — Waunakee, to be exact — and it seems like he’s always hanging out inside or around Camp Randall Stadium anyway.
Anders Holm
Holm, who plays the similarly named “Anders Holmvik” on Comedy Central’s Workaholics, graduated from UW in 2003 and was also a member of the UW swim team. Right now, Holm is probably Wisconsin’s best known non-sports alum (unless you’re a big Joan Cusack fan), and he would definitely scan with the youths — i.e., the predominantly college-aged crowd that tends to stumble onto the College GameDay set every Saturday. Also, if ’Ders does show up, expect to see some impromptu “Michigan/Wisconsin” is “tight/loose butthole” signs.
Thong Cape Scooter Man
Thong Cape Scooter Man is basically Madison’s superhero. His power? Lifting the city’s spirits with his uncommonly low inhibitions and majestic, flowing cape. Why not have Mr. Scooter Man lift the spirits of College GameDay and in turn America? He’s not the hero we deserve. He’s the hero we need.
A hologram of Chris Farley
The Saturday Night Live and Tommy Boy star and Madison’s favorite son tragically died in 1997, but thanks to the wonders of technology, the dead can live on as Princess Leia-style holograms. Sort of like Michael Jackson and Tupac, but with less song and dance and more “fat guy in a little coat.”
The REAL James Madison
Last month, GameDay went to James Madison University (for some reason) and the celebrity picker was sportswriter Gene Wojciechowski dressed as founding father James Madison, evidently because no one cool went to boarding school near James Madison University.
What would be cool was if the GameDay crew summoned the REAL James Madison. It wouldn’t be easy, but there is a way. The four GameDay commentators must perform a shamanistic ritual in which Kirk Herbstreit and Desmond Howard recite incantations from an ancient Sumerian spell tome while Lee Corso and David Pollack sacrifice the blood of a redshirt freshman. Only then can our nation’s fourth president and our city’s namesake be summoned from the ether. Any error during the ceremony means host Rece Davis will skin-change back into former host Chris Fowler, which, trust me, is not safe for national TV.
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