To clear things up right away, there’s something you should know: I am a self-hating Packers fan.
This is why I so look forward each summer to Deadspin’s annual “Why Your Team Sucks” feature. One by one, writer Drew Magary picks apart each NFL franchise with the laser-focused specificity of a John Oliver segment. But it’s not just Magary doing the clowning: team fans weigh in at the end of each article. The series is truly a joy.
Earlier this week he posted this year’s must-read treatise on the Green Bay Packers. Magary cops to being a Vikings fan, but I don’t disagree with many of his points. I’m not one of those Packers fan.
The ones who still have a borderline unhealthy attachment to washing-up-in-real-time linebacker Clay Matthews. The ones who think letting Jordy Nelson walk was a cataclysmically bad decision on par with playing golf during an electrical storm. In the words of a fan named Andy, these same people “wouldn’t recognize Mike Daniels or Davante Adams in their own jerseys.”
Seriously, if I hear one more person talk about how elite Jeff Janis would have been, I’m going to eat my own shoes. He’s a middling receiver who’s nothing more than a folk hero for people who think Florida Georgia Line is rap music.
Anyway, here are three quick highlights from Magary’s piece:
- On 13th-year head coach Mike McCarthy: “I hope you’re ready for him to call even MORE fullback dives the second Aaron Rodgers gets into a rhythm.”
- Rodgers, who’s eyeing a new contract, “is a guy who excommunicated his entire fucking family when they mildly displeased him.”
- The team’s new front office “actually signed players you’ve heard of! Sure, they’re mostly washed up and not very good, but still: PROGRESS.”
So allow me to say for the first (but certainly not last) time this season: God, I fucking hate this team. Go Pack Go.