While you anxiously await another episode of The Case Against Adnan Syed, here’s a local true crime tale to satiate you.
On Tuesday, March 12, the Madison Police Department responded to a call on Oconto Court, near Hilldale Shopping Center. It concerned the most dire of events: An opossum appeared to have died atop someone’s fence. But when officers arrived on the scene, they found so much more.
It seems that while out on a food scavenging expedition, the male marsupial got its… erm, “equipment” stuck in the fence. How it did so remains a mystery, but nonetheless officers were tasked with freeing the potentially dead animal from the fence. They used a catchpole to lift the creature up and pushed the slats in the fence open, thus freeing the poor little dude’s opossum dong from its trap.
However, after removing said opossum, concern remained that the victim’s injuries may have proved fatal. Officers noted blood when they found him, and he remained motionless even after being freed. So the officers were left with no choice: They had to poke the opossum with a stick to make sure he was still alive.
And miraculously, he was! He popped back up, hissed at the officers, and disappeared into the early morning.
“Going to be sitting in snow someplace for a long bit I bet you,” said one of the officers.
TL;DR an opossum got his dick stuck in a fence and our taxpayer dollars freed it. God bless America.