{"id":7119,"date":"2018-01-22T11:54:11","date_gmt":"2018-01-22T17:54:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thebozho.com\/?p=7119"},"modified":"2018-08-20T16:13:27","modified_gmt":"2018-08-20T21:13:27","slug":"food-network-magazine-packers-cocktail","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thebozho.com\/food-network-magazine-packers-cocktail\/","title":{"rendered":"The secret ingredient in Food Network’s Packers-themed cocktail? Disgusting inadequacy"},"content":{"rendered":"

When the Food Network Magazine recently created cocktail recipes inspired by every NFL team<\/a>, I don\u2019t think they set out to troll entire fan bases. (Unless, of course, you consider the fact that there\u2019s only 26 cocktails in the slideshow but 32 teams. Sorry N.Y. Jets, San Francisco, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Tennessee and Washington.) But the cocktail they came up with for the Green Bay Packers can only be considered a terrible troll \u2014 until you realize it perfectly sums up the team\u2019s 2017 season in one sludge-filled, disgusting glass of inadequacy.<\/p>\n

I imagine these cocktails were dreamt up by a Food Network digital media intern for two reasons: there\u2019s no byline on the slideshow, and most of the ingredients are what you\u2019d get when you sat someone down and played food word association with NFL city prompts. What did the intern associate most with Green Bay? Beer, brandy and for some reason Cheez-Its, probably because it was too difficult to come up with a way to put actual cheese into a drink.<\/p>\n

\""Cheese
Food Network Magazine<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

So while I imagine the poor unpaid intern didn\u2019t actually think anyone would create the \u201cCheese Head,\u201d the temptation to make what was clearly a trainwreck of a drink was too strong. I figured it would be bad, but I thought that just maybe it would surprise me.<\/p>\n

The recipe is simple: Soak Cheez-Its in apple brandy for 30 minutes, mash and strain. Then add a pinch of salt and a can of beer. The first problem: I have no apple brandy. I debated getting a bottle of Calvados, then realized how stupid it would be to waste it in this thing<\/em>. I settled on plain old brandy, deciding that whatever kind of apple-cheese pairing the intern intended wasn’t going to work anyway.<\/p>\n

\"Cheez-Its\"<\/p>\n

I poured the measured brandy over the Cheez-Its in a small bowl and set a timer for 30 minutes. I already felt kind of dirty. When the time was up, I mashed them with a fork into a loose, grainy paste.<\/p>\n

Next came straining, with instructions to press the mush into the fine mesh, extracting as much brandy as possible. Except that you need a really fine mesh or a few layers of cheesecloth to catch all the mush, so a thick layer of gooey sludge lay at the bottom of my serving glass. If I didn’t know any better, by looks alone I\u2019d say it was the start of some kind of creamsicle cocktail.<\/p>\n

\"Mush\"<\/p>\n

I added the pinch of salt \u2014 I just soaked salty crackers in here, why am I adding salt? \u2014 and the can of beer. I used Coors Light, because really, I\u2019m not going to use anything good. What happened in the final drink was equally unnerving, fascinating and weirdly familiar. The cracker sludge did two things: created large, bubblegum-like bubbles in the head, and continually moved up and down the glass thanks to the carbonation. All of the crackers\u2019 artificial color floated on top like an oil slick, reminiscent of a pack of Emergen-C. The conveyor belt of cracker goop alternately floating to the top of the glass and then quickly sinking was like repeatedly watching the play where Aaron Rodgers shattered his collarbone.<\/p>\n

\"Packers<\/p>\n

It tasted like shit, as you\u2019d expect. The Cheez-Its really only lent a vague cheese aftertaste, making the final drink taste like it came from beer lines that haven\u2019t been cleaned in a few years. It was bitter and disappointing, just like the Packers season.<\/p>\n

So thank you, Food Network intern, for creating a drink recipe that perfectly encapsulates Packers fans\u2019 feelings as we head into Super Bowl season. Next year, let\u2019s hope our drink will be called the Old Fashioned Win, garnished with a big, shiny ring.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When the Food Network Magazine recently created cocktail recipes inspired by every NFL team, I don\u2019t think they set out to troll entire fan bases. 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